April 19th Starting Weight: 270
April 21st Today’s Weight: 262
4 more pounds down from yesterday!
92 more to reach the goal!
My husband goes to bed early because he works at night. So he’s usually in bed for the night around 6pm. That means that I sit up binging Criminal Minds til midnight. And last night, it took everything in me not to rumage through the pantry for something to eat. I wanted to binge.
I hate not eating while watching tv. Like I said yesterday, it’s a habit that I’m trying to break. One of many.
There is something so comforting about eating in front of the television. Maybe is the spiking sugar levels or the habit of chewing something, but for me personally, it used to be like hanging with an old friend who kept me company.
And that made me think about all the things that I’ve thought over the years as a fat girl, revelations if you will.
Revelations of a Fat Girl
- Food is not your friend. It should not be your comfort blanket, soothe you when you’re sad or bored, or fill a void of any kind. It does not care about you no matter how much you care about it.
2. Fat people have their struggles on display. It’s unfair that normal sized people can hide their struggles and issues while we are walking billboards of our bad health habits.
3. Skinny people do not understand and they never will (unless they were formerly fat). They have no idea the stress and pain it causes on the body, how difficult it is to actually change years worth of habits and what it feels like to be trapped in a huge body. Stop trying to sympathize with us, it’s annoying.
4. It is not as easy as just “start eating and exercise”. We are struggling with deeply rooted mindsets and thought processes that can be hard to just change. Some of us may even be addicts, to food.
5. Some of us think we are unworthy of certain things that we think only skinny people can have. I will never have a hot boyfriend/husband. Nobody will ever be attracted to me. I will never be able to play that role cause I’m so big. I never be able to pursue that career until I’m smaller. It’s all a lie. We can do just about anything we set our minds to.
6. Most fat people are dieticians, so why are you trying to give us your advice on what to eat? Don’t tell us how to eat.
We may not have a dietician degree, but we know all there is to know about weightloss and what foods we should eat. We have done the research, tried every single diet and know what works for us. We just don’t apply it or have a very hard time trying to.
7. Shopping for clothes can be a nightmare, especially when the store only carries sizes up to XL or 1X. It seems like nothing ever fits right and it’s hard to find things that look good at all. It’s quite unfair that skinny people can shop whereever their heart desires, while we can only shop in places that “sell our size”.
8. Everyday we are asking ourselves what if.
What if I would have stuck with that diet last year or 10 years ago? Where would I be now?
What if I had started exercising sooner, would I feel better?
What if I would have learned better food habits earlier? Would my life be different?
What if I had lost all the weight the first time? Where would I be in my life?
It haunts us for hours while we try to fall asleep at night.
9. For some of us, working out in a gym is debilitating. Watching all the skinny people run and lift weights, wishing we were in that position. Thinking that we are being judged for our weight, how we look or lack of athletic ability. Confirming their judgmental suspicians.
But, for some of us, the gym is very motivating. We feel the need to prove that we are just as athletic as anyone else, pushing us harder just to prove to anyone who cares to judge, that we are just as competant. When we feel as though there are eyes on us, we work that much harder to disprove their judgement.
10. We have a comparison problem. We see other people seemingly living their best life and want that too. We want to know what it feels like to shop for cute clothes that actually fit us, to feel good in our bodies, to wear that bikini on the beach, to be the best version of ourselves. We somehow think that losing weight will fulfill our dreams, but we are so much more capable than we know. We need to learn to be okay and excited about who we are today, not who we could be one day.