I have been ghosting the blogosphere for 4 days now.
I decided to take the weekend to relax after having an abscess cut open and allow it to heal. That meant I was no spending time in the gym and just taking it easy.
Unfortunately I am still learning how to be healthy and relax, because I gained 8lbs over the weekend. I ate gluten and sugar (which I don’t normally eat), went out to eat twice and just overdid it the whole weekend.
So this morning, it was a real struggle to force myself to eat healthy and go to the gym. I was angry at myself for eating so poorly this weekend.
I remember being out with my husband at a new BBQ restaurant and silently thinking to myself, Will I ever be able to go to a restaurant and order anything I want without feeling guilty? Even if it’s only 1% of guilt. Will I ever not feel that looming “I’m not supposed to eat this” feeling.
Cause let me be honest, it is exhausting.
It’s like, I order something and then my brain starts analyzing, all the while I am smiling and holding conversation. But behind my eyes, there is internal dialogue scrutinizing every bite.
Okay, I ordered the pulled pork sandwich with a gluten free bun. But the gluten free bun has a lot of carbs and most likely isn’t grain free and I shouldn’t be having grains. What if the pulled pork was fried in an oil that I shouldn’t have? And the barbeque sauce on the pulled pork probably has sugar and soy in it, which completely ruins my sugar detox. Not to mention the cole slaw has dairy and cabbage makes my stomach feel funny, but it tastes so good.
And it never ends.
So this weekend, as I ate things I shouldn’t eat and didn’t exercise, I was ghosting the blog and being disappointed in myself, which resulted in eating even more.
But this morning, I picked myself up and made myself go to the gym and work hard. I ate my healthy meals and I was depressed. (Which is usually what happens when I eat a lot of crap, I tend to get really low due to the way my body responds to gluten and sugar)
I am happy that it only took me a few days to get back on track, as it usually takes me months and months of continual binging.
Because I did have a good weekend other than those issues. I went to a delicious bbq dinner and a movie, I ate gourmet shaved ice and watched an 80s cover band, I carved pumpkins and watched scary movies, I hung out with my in-laws.
But if you have never been overweight with food issues, then you will never understand. You will say, “Just eat healthier and exercise. It’s simple. Just do what you need to do to fix the issue.” and I will say, “You truly have no idea what you are talking about. Shut up.”
This is just transparency. I know how to lose weight. I don’t need anyone to tell me how to do it or give me advice, it’s just about me and my discipline and learning to have grace with myself.
So even though I don’t necessarily believe it, I am telling myself today, “It’s okay that you ate crap over the weekend and you’ll more than likely do it again in the future. But you enjoyed it and now you can get back on track. I am proud of you for not letting it get any farther and working hard today in the gym.”
And I pray that one day it gets easier. I hope that one day I don’t have that “I shouldn’t be eating this” feeling. I pray that I do lose this weight and overcome this.
In fact, I am determined. I cannot keep ghosting life when I have a bad few days.
I will overcome this.
