The Extreme Frustration // 100 lbs in 100 days (Day 29/100)

Starting weight: 270
Today’s weight: 254 (I gained 6lbs overnight)

I am frustrated. I am more than frustrated.

I keep gaining weight randomly. I am exercising daily, I am sticking to my diet and I want to scream.

I have my sister’s wedding this upcoming weekend in a few days. She has always had a body of a model. I have even had multiple people tell me how she is much prettier than me on more than one occassion. I will be surrounded by her bridesmaids, who are all absolutely stunning. (Like how is it humanly possible for all your friends to be that beautiful?)

I am the black sheep. Correction: big black sheep.

I’m going to this wedding uncomfortable in my own body, in clothes I’m uncomfortable in, bigger than most of my family has ever seen me.

I have watched as my sister has gotten all these beautiful new clothes and outfits for this wedding, not to mention her wedding dress. She is wearing the dress of my dreams. I would have given my right arm to look like that on my wedding day.

I am struggling with doing my best at trying to lose this weight, get all her wedding stuff together and battling my attitude towards this wedding. I am happy for her, beyond happy. But I am not happy for me.

I know that I have made progress on this journey, but this is just one of those days I want to give up. It feels like there is no point.

I don’t want to stand next to these gorgeous girls in these pretty dresses when I can’t find a dress I feel even moderately comfortable in. I don’t want to feel jealousy towards my sister at all, this is her day. But I can’t help the fact that she is getting to look the way she wants to on the best day of her life. I envy that.

And I will be standing there, huge and uncomfortable, looking like a gianormous booger in my sage green bridesmaid dress.

Bran and I went to Target to find me something to wear to the rehearsal dinner and such. I could not find ONE THING that fit me. We will be going to some other stores tonight to try to find something, and hopefully I can. The lack of clothes that are attractive and in bigger sizes astounds me.

Hello! Us big girls want to look good in clothes too!

Bran is also gonna help me look over my food and exercise and see what’s going on, because I don’t understand why I keep gaining. I think I may alter some of my food and exercise routine because something just isn’t working.

I sit here sobbing because I just want to be a mom and I feel like I’m taking steps backwards without even realizing it. Why do I keep gaining and losing? I am going to figure this out because I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to keep going down, not ride a roller coaster.

I know that people are going to say, Don’t worry, everyone gains and loses. Just keep at it, don’t give up.

I don’t plan on giving up and I know people gain and lose. But something is wrong if I keep on gaining 5-10lbs every other day and then losing it over and over again. Something has got to change. I need to make it to the finish line.

I am done ranting. I am done crying about it. I can’t change this overnight. But I believe that God is going to show me what I need to be doing and changing to lose this weight. He knows my dreams, because He is the one who placed them inside me. He will get me to the finish line. I need to rely on His strength and not my own anymore, because my own strength just isn’t good enough.

I refuse to sulk anymore or be sad and depressed. I am going to go to this wedding with a good attitude, will be genuinely happy for my sister and remember that my time is coming. My dreams are coming. I cannot give up now, no matter how frustrated I may be.

Til tomorrow,

xo S