Starting weight: 273
Today’s weight: 265
This morning I had to get up extra early to go to the gym because I knew I had to drop my husband off at work and I needed the car for a doctor’s appointment. The doctor’s appointment.
I will not go into much detail at the moment, but this doctor’s appointment was very important in determining steps moving forward with my health and having babies.
After running lots of tests over the past few months, it was time to hear the results and get the game plan. There was some good news and some not so good news. And before I had walked into that appointment, my close friend texted me that she was praying for me and that no matter what the doctor says, not to use it as an excuse to eat.
I brushed it off because in the moment, there was no way I’d eat terrible food because of how I was feeling. “I’ve come too far. I’ve achieved so much, I’ll never revert back to those ways,” I thought.
Meanwhile, it’s only been like 7 days of healthy habits. SEVEN DAYS.
When the doctor began explaining some things, my heart rejoiced. As he explained other things, my heart sank. This is my only dream, to have a baby and be a mother. I long to create another human being with the man I love more than anything in this world.
Holding back tears, the doctor assured me that there would be a baby in my arms soon.
I walked out of that appointment confused, frustrated, hopeful and disappointed all at the same time. There is still a long road ahead, more appointments, procedures and things that need to get done to help make this dream a reality.
I got in the car and immediately began to sob. I allowed myself to feel all the feelings. (I believe it’s important, especially as an enneagram 4, to give myself the space to feel the lows and all the emotions in between). I do not allow myself to sit in those feelings of sadness, hopelessness or disappointment for too long though, or else it can become really overwhelming for me.
As I began driving home, all of a sudden I wanted to stop at the Taco Bell on my right. The McDonalds on my left. The grocery store near my house.
Why? Because I was emotional. And my dear friend KNEW that in times of extreme emotion, we like to eat. It soothes, it calms, it dumbs down the feelings for a moment. She was right.
But I refuse to ruin my progress.
I want a baby more than I want food. I want to be healthy more than I want food. I want to be able to keep up with my family more than I want food. I want to be comfortable in my body more than I want food. I want to fulfill my purpose more than I want food.
And that was that. It was decided. I will not binge eat anything unhealthy even if I want to.
I put on an OLDDDD worship song, Shout to the Lord sung by Darlene Zchech. I wailed. And I cried. And I praised God because He is doing a work in me. He is preparing me for motherhood. He died so I could be healed and healthy.
Nothing compares to the promise I have in you, I shouted again and again.
His promise that I will have a child WILL come to pass.
Do not allow disappointment and feelings determine your actions when it comes to your health. Life is full of disappointment and emotions, but we have control over our emotions and God is bigger than any disappointment.
God is doing a work in me, and He will do one in you too.
Follow along on the journey so far!
Day 1 The Starting Over
Day 2 The Daily List
Day 3 The Screenless Meals
Day 4 The Expectations
Day 5 The Dedication
Day 6 The Internal Listening