How To Know He’s “The One”

As a 14 year old, I made an extremely long list of all the attributes and characteristics that I longed for in the one, my future husband. I continually looked back at that list and as the years went by, I would add or subtract various attributes.

I never dated in high school, and always compared people to my list. Nobody ever seemed good enough. I had always found some kind of flaw that was irrefutable. I was a special kind of person who refused to settle and that carried into my twenties. I hardly dated anybody, and if I did, I never allowed them in completely or even let them kiss me. As I got older, the most important things became so clear and the list became smaller, but gained rather definitive, key points. 

By the time I hit my mid twenties, finding “the one” felt hopeless. It felt as if no one was ever interested, and if they were, I had no reciprocated interest in them at all. All around me, my friends were getting married and everybody was finding love, except for me. I felt like the odd man out. I most definitely knew that I was different from other people. I didn’t feel normal. I was an extremely dramatic, imaginative, expressive, passionate, emotional girl and I knew it would take someone very special to love me in the somewhat “needy” ways that I wanted it. 

I held onto my list, prayed over my list, cried over my list and always kept it in the back of my head. I even wrote in a designated “Husband Journal” whenever I got exceptionally lonely. I read books on marriage, listened to podcasts of my favorite preachers, and spent time with multiple exceptional couples that inspired me with their own marriages. 

I had to ask myself some deep questions…Was I even ready for a relationship, let alone marriage? Was I already the kind of wife I aspired to be? Was I truly mature enough to be married? Was I ready to take care of someone the rest of my life and join my life infinitely with someone?

The answers to these questions at the time, caused me to change. Drastically. I became more independent, fostered healthier friendships, changed habits, learned how to steward my money, talked with a therapist. Now, I am not claiming to be perfect in any way, because nobody ever is before they get married. But I tried to better myself and heal from past damage as much as I could. I still made mistakes. I wasn’t perfect and I screwed up but I took huge steps forward. 

Everybody always told me, “Love is waiting for you just around the corner when you least expect it.” I never believed it…but it just so happened to be true. On the last day of my family vacation in the Dominican Republic, I met my husband. And if I even told you the story, you wouldn’t believe it to be true. It really was love at first sight. 

I wish I could tell you that our relationship was all rainbows and unicorns, but I would be lying to you. It took a real lonely, devastated place to realize that he was indeed the one. I want to share with you how I knew he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and how you can do the same, without having to deal with the heartbreak or confusion.

1. The 3 Keys

I learned this formula from a very special evangelist missionary friend of mine and ended up teaching this in relationship courses myself. It is almost foolproof. I do not believe in dating for fun because that is how people get hurt. I believe in dating with purpose, with the future intentions of marriage. 

So before you even begin officially dating anyone, you are going to want to find out if they possess these 3 keys. If they fail to pass, even one of them, they are not the person for you. That may be harsh but it is as true as the sky is blue. This will save you time and a lot of heartache (on both ends) in the long run.

FIRST KEY. Same Purpose and Vision


Do you share the same purpose and vision for your lives? Ask questions. Get to know the other person without being sexually or too emotionally intimate. Do the goals you both have for your lives line up? If one of you wants to be in the Peace Corp in Africa and the other wants to work in management at a local Target, your visions don’t line up.

Figure out what your purpose is. Maybe it is to help people in the form of ministry, maybe it’s to be a stay-at-home-mom, maybe it’s to travel the world. See if your two lives and your goals line up alongside each other. They may share their goals with you and it could be something you are completely not interested in and don’t want to hear about for the coming decades. Analyze carefully on this one.

When two different people with different gifts and traits come together, with the right combination, they can change the world.  

SECOND KEY. Same Lifestyle/Belief System


Do you share the same lifestyle and belief system? This is so important and this will be one of the main causes of fights in a marriage. When I refer to lifestyle, I am talking about habits and preferences. When I refer to belief system, I am talking about your faith, parenting styles, behavior.


This was a huge deciding factor when I was contemplating if Brandon was “the one”. We had many long talks, late at night about these things. These conversations unraveled his character and helped me understand him, especially when we discussed the nitty, gritty deep things. (How we both didn’t like to drink, how we both wanted to attend church and grow in our walk with God together, how we viewed politics, how we want to treat people, how we would want to discipline our children, how we would use our money, our views on pornography and sex, etc.)


There are a lot of deep things you need to know before you marry somebody and you do not want to enter a marriage blind to these things, because you will have to deal with them for the rest of your life. I am so comforted knowing I married a man who is on the same page with me. 

THIRD KEY. Attraction/Humor/Fun


Are you actually attracted to them? This is a big one. Somebody may have those first two keys but you are just not attracted to them. That is a red flag that they aren’t the one for you, right there! For some, attraction comes later in the relationship. But honestly, it shouldn’t take too long once you really know somebody.

One of my closest friends married her best friend of 8 years (whom she never found attractive) and then one day, it just clicked for her. For me, I was attracted to Brandon from the moment I saw him walking towards me at the pool. It is different for everyone. But if you are trying to decide if somebody is the one, this is a huge factor.


Do you have the same humor or at least understand their humor? After getting to know Brandon, I realized how similar our humor was. I was that annoying girl you find in her bedroom after working all day, laughing hysterically on the phone with her boyfriend.

It is a beautiful thing that he doesn’t even have to try to make me laugh. It just happens naturally. On movie nights, we are always cracking up at the same things (yes, we are that annoying couple that talks throughout the whole movie). But most of all…


Do you have fun together? Nobody can ever promise you pure fun 100% of the time. Do you tend to find a lack of things to do? Do you often get bored or sick of conversation?

I once had a short-lived boyfriend who would talk for hours about the different types of noodles at “Noodles and Company” or clipping his talon toenails, and as much as I love noodles and hygiene, conversations with him were like talking to a brick wall.

You will never have all the same interests, the same opinions, or the same hobbies. But conversation should never be hard.

It’s like my husband and I speak the same language. I understand him and he understands me, even though I’m definitely the talker out of the both of us. We are very different and that’s okay! No matter what we are doing, I never seem to get bored. I always want to talk or hang out because I never get sick of him and the best part is, he never gets sick of me either!

2. Are you the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for?

Tongue Twister, right? Imagine the type of man you want to marry. I’m sure you are imagining somebody handsome, genuinely good, funny, passionate, respectable, hardworking, etc. What kind of girl is that type of man looking for? Is he looking for somebody who is kind, driven, warm, inviting, well mannered, beautiful? 

You have to become the person that the person you’re looking for is looking for. If you think about it, it makes sense. Become what you want to attract. If you’re looking for a good, loyal man, don’t be dressing immodestly or flirting with every guy you see. So, you need to be a good, loyal woman. A woman is more beautiful when she respects herself. Respect and honor your future husband, before you even meet him.  

3. There is no such thing as perfect

This was my problem at first. I expected utter perfection and that is never going to be anyone’s reality (Shout out to my Enneagram 4 friends who feel me!). Poor Brandon was everything I ever needed, but I let confusion dictate our relationship for quite a while. It wasn’t until I had a God-moment, where I realized that if I expected perfection, I would never find anybody. 

Brandon wasn’t perfect, but he was perfect for me. 

He balanced me in such a divine way, I can’t even really explain it. He actually was and is perfect to me on the outside, every freckle, his cute little toes, his smile–everything. I can’t tell you one thing about his appearance that isn’t absolute perfection. (I love looking at him and swoon at the thought)

But his insides were not perfection. He had baggage, heartbreak, anger, fear, and sadness, as we all do. But there was something perfect about it. It was like I was designed to fix his weakness, and vice versa. 

He changed me. He helped me heal in certain areas, change the way I think and view myself just as I bring healing and encouragement to his heart. He isn’t perfect, but his imperfections were placed in the perfect hands of one who somehow knows how to handle each and every one of them. 

I repeat, do not expect perfection, for there is no such thing. But expect someone who will make you better in the areas where you are weak. They will sharpen you into a better person, if you let them. And your specific experiences and knowledge will sharpen them as well. Marriage is like the process of making gold. It is melted in fire and all the impurities come to the surface. But once they are dealt with, the result is glimmering gold. It isn’t always fun but it’s worth it. 

Give people a chance because you’ll never find the perfect person.

4. Annoyed much?

This is huge, once you’ve evaluated all the other things I’ve mentioned. Anyone can push your buttons and get on your nerves, especially your boyfriend or husband. As you are getting to know and spend time with this possible prospect, does he annoy you at all? (Of course, he does.) But do these annoying things he does plague you? Make you contemplate your relationship? The real key is, can you live with the annoying things he does?

(*Gross alert*) I once had a close friend who farted all the time. At first it was humorous, but I grew to resent her obnoxious gases and it disgusted me, along with her loud breathing, loud chewing, and nose picking. Unfortunately, our friendship ended…BUT sometimes love overpowers those kinds of annoying things.

Like snoring, for example. If it was anybody else snoring, I would grow to hate them. Do I enjoy falling asleep to the melodious snores of my husband’s nostrils? No, but I lowkey think it’s adorable and have no negative feelings about it. I can genuinely live with all the things he does that I deem annoying. All I advise is to identify if there are any habits that you absolutely cannot live with because you’ll be living with them forever.

5. Do you have the right reasons?

Have you ever asked yourself exactly why you want to get married? Is it because you don’t want to be lonely anymore or because you want intimacy? Is it because you want somebody to call your own or someone for the holidays and to travel with? Is it because you want the title of wife or mother one day? This can sometimes be a hard question to answer because you have so many reasons why you may want someone to share your life with.

As a teenager, I most definitely wanted to be married for a million reasons. As I got older and more mature, I wanted a husband to do life alongside, to have somebody to love and grow with, to have someone to care about more than myself, to be one with, to have someone to reflect Christ with, to build a family with, to pursue dreams with, and someone to help others with. Be honest with yourself and clarify if your genuine reasons for wanting to be married are mainly for selfless or selfish reasons. 

So…is he the one?

Figuring out if someone is the one for you is quite a daunting task. Figure out what it is your want for your life and if that person fits into that. Remember that nobody is perfect, but don’t settle for less than what you deserve. No matter how hopeless your situation may be, have hope because if it is truly a desire of your heart, God will bring the perfect someone into your life. He did it for me and He can do it for you!

And once you’ve figured out if he’s the one for you, start preparing yourself to be the best wife you can be! I’m rooting for ya!